Dear Catharsis Letter–rehearsal for new sex advice mag

I’m a reader of Hot Magazine.   Love and sex advice for Millennials.  I’m dressed up as a young almost Grandma with no kids.  But trust me; I’m a totally hot Millennial woman with miles of attitude to spare.
     My question for you is, why do young dudes sometimes think with their junk, get a boner the size of the Eiffel Tower … then forget about me and treat their computer or device like a virtual girlfriend?

Love,  Angry and Aroused Babe

     Dear A&A Babe,

      Guys do think with their packages,  but only when horny.  Otherwise,  they use their brains.   Brains are part of the Sympathetic nervous system.   Erections happen with a dance between the Parasympathetic and the brain.  A boner is more than just blood flow–it’s a transcendental experience … for the dude who doesn’t masturbate for a week!  It’s called seminal retention.   Or sublimation.  
     He’s most likely a Bill Gates or Steve Jobs type looking for something to do for the other 23 hours and 45 minutes of the day!  Men are like women.   They can only tolerate so much boredom!

  Sincerely,
    The Dear Abby division of Hot Magazine

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The Frogman is a Messenger, Not a Moron

Google M&Ms and poisoned.
The Frogman’s blog comes up.  WOW.  He’s hit a nerve!
He says “saying not all men are monsters is like saying here’s a bowl of M&Ms; only 10% are poisoned;  eat some!”
      I’m Linda.   I don’t eat M&M’s.   They contain nuts.  I have nut allergies.  I know most guys are decent.  I know some guys are abusive jerks. 
      What’s my point?  I don’t know.  Love everybody.   Be kind.  Avoid resentments and bitterness.   I don’t like it when women who have survived bad relationships with men say all men are jerks.
     That’s like saying all women are bitches.  As in, nasty, evil, conniving witches and whores and gold diggers.
     Please.  I thought the battle of the sexes took place in the 70s!
     I’m in need of developing my last few blog posts further. 

How To Unrape America

My cultural healer’s manual … a Work in Progress
Step 1.  I admit I am powerless over the American culture, and that it’s in deep shift.
This means that crucifying myself won’t fix the UCSB shooting or misogyny,  racism,  and hate.  I’m so sorry I’m not God and therefore can’t unkill the killed.  I feel that Elliott the Killer has raped America.  And I feel it’s my job to unrape America.   After all,  I’m an American.   Love it or hate it; America ain’t going away.
Step 2.  I’m coming to believe God can do things I can’t.   God speaks to me through others when my ego is screaming for my execution!  
Step 3.  I’m turning this problem of massacres on our soil over to the collective wisdom of the American people.  I’ve gotten burned out while trying to save the world!   I’m through with punishing myself for failing to do the impossible.
Step 4.  I need to take an inventory of my true work and concentrate on my job search.  I use money to exchange in return for food, clothes,  housing,  and a great many other things.
So … how do you go about unraping America,  anyways?  Do you just take her out on a date to your Temple of Eros and, with her permission,  massage her vagina and lower lips until all the rape-induced owies go away? 
More will be added to this …

Linda’s 10 writing orgasms!

1.  Writing, to me, is more important than sex, money,  or fame.  I do it daily or very often.  I love sex.  My mind is my porn studio and temple of Eros!  But writing is the universe,  my best friend,  my husband,  my whore.  So, carry a journal and a pen of your choice, and write what sings to you.  Or write whatever farts, wolf whistles,  or yelks at you!
2.  Remember that not everyone is your fan.  But you need sone friendly readers in a group of writers.  Ones who write, also.  You provide moral support.  Listening ears.  My writing friends are made of gold.  I’d rather hear Abel’s manuscript than try to seduce him.  He has a lovely girlfriend,  Soledad.  What a wonderful,  sweet,  sexy couple!
3.  Read the type of things you wish to write!  If you want to write short stories,  read things like The O. Henry Prize Annual Anthology or Pushcart Magazine.  (Did I get the name right? Time to do research! )
4.  Keep the pen moving across the page.  Write whatever comes,  no matter how stupid, sexy, angry, shitty, or lame.  That’s your first draft!
5.  Second draft, you edit for content.  As well as grammar, spelling,  and punctuation.   Is there a story?  Who are the main characters?   How do they interact?   What are their core needs and desires?  You need a few secondary characters.   The Chinese lady running around the aircraft in Abel’s manuscript is going to be important.   I can tell.   She appeared within the first 10 pages.  I can’t wait to hear what happens next.  Abel’s job is to finish his first draft!
6.  Reading and critiques.   Be kind.  But be honest.  Ask what is the backstory?   That’s the bigger dream dreaming the smaller dream.  That’s the forest behind EVERY TREE!
7.  Marketing and publication.   God.  Huge subject.   Try the current year Writer’s Market.  Now playing in reference sections of public libraries everywhere.  I call public libraries “Poor Man’s University”.
8.  Don’t be afraid to write about the erotic!  Describe your lover’s smell.   Describe body sensations.   Talk to your death.  Without committing suicide or indulging in your addictions.   Overeating isn’t an escape.   You need a clear mind and body to write well.
9.  Go for the jugular.   Write about how your heart got ripped out of your chest the day you said the last goodbye to your big black Maine Coon breed cat because the alternative was you getting murdered in the kitchen!   Know you shared 8 years with your furry baby.  Know your wannabe murdurer was a sick fuck who needs your prayers and to be avoided forever!  And give thanks your own life is no longer in danger.  You the woman who told the cops you value your cat’s life more than your own.   Yes.  The psychiatrist gets it! 
Q
10.  I hate low battery warnings.  They are as welcome as a broken condom!

Overcoming Fear of Success, Part 2

By Linda M. Smith 

There are three parts to that….

  1. Asking yourself if there is a good reason for you NOT to succeed at achieving your fondest dreams. Hint: the possibility of others’ jealousy of your success as, say, a visual artist, is NOT a good reason to keep yourself from succeeding.
  2. Learning from your mistakes. One reason why that first incarnation of Heart And Star Studios failed is, that I didn’t dream big enough. I thought the purpose was for me to design business logos and brochures, cards, etc., for others’ business and organizations! What I would up doing was creating my own portfolio of 3-fold brochures, 3 x 5 cards, and flyers complete with tear-off contact info for Heart And Star Studios.
  3. Realizing that nothing can kill your dream.   Not even “going broke”.   The difference between being poor and being “broke” is that poor is a frame of mind, while being “broke” is temporary. I may be broke, but I am never broken! I am whole, free, unlimited, infinite love, infinite joy, and infinite wealth! Nothing can stop my dream. I am Angel Food! I feed the Angels with my energy and bliss. I feed my business and all my dreams and true heart’s desires the very same way! With visions, positive affirmations, and writing up my lists and plans of what to do next.   I’m willing to revise my lists and plans along the way. Should Plan A not work out, you have the rest of the English Alphabet! The alphabet also comes in every other written language on Earth.

 

            True success starts in the heart, and then it travels to the head, hands, and legs and feet! True success soars in the clouds and paints the sky with rainbows. But true success also learns the fine art and science of handling money wisely. Every type of business needs a written, intelligent one-page plan, a Start-Up Budget {realistic yet generous), and a Two Year Cash-Flow Projection. I think that last document is something to impress the bank loan officers, as well as give you and any co-workers an idea of business income and expenses.

            I say that owning your own business is a great mirror where you see all the consequences of your good and bad decisions. Your own business is a perfect reflection of YOU!

            Money is spiritual. Money is not “evil”. People who believe money is “evil” have a very hard time attracting or hanging on to it! They may create debt, unemployment, or being constantly “broke”. Ugh! Make friends with your money; money is Godly, and money is a symbol of universal wealth. Money was invented by humans for human convenience! Money is not meant to take the place of “barter” or “fair trade” of goods and services. Money is cosmic shorthand for “exchange of services, time, love of your work, and skill”.

 

Copyright 2014 All Rights Reserved. I have yet to learn enough about Creative Commons copyright before I let you copy or reuse this!

How can I help you?

I know him from the Prosperity Express Club as Party Monster! He’s awesome! Pay him a crapload of money or something else of value to Dan for his services.

Dan Becco 773-784-6542

I coach people who may or may not have ADHD and who are experiencing challenges in their careers. They feel unfulfilled and may not be earning what they are capable of. Some have debt or may have trouble using their time to focus on goals and actions required to achieve them. They lack clarity in their visions and may not be using their talents.

I coach my clients to find meaningful and passionate careers. I do this by having them do what they need to do, promptly and consistently so that they can support their vision and goals. Through a series of action steps and commitments they find prosperity. Their compensation increases and they feel physical and spiritual vitality. They are able to ask for what they need and find ease and joy when doing this. They become profitable. I also work with individual and couples on relationship skills.

At…

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Dealing With My Fear of Success, Part 1

            I am an expert at experiencing my own fear of success! Don’t laugh. I’m not the only one who suffers!

            Why would I hold myself back deliberately from success? Because it’s unfamiliar. Because I question my deservingness of a better, more prosperous life.

            When you’re broke, and relying upon food bank food just to get enough to eat, that’s the moment when you know you are afraid of your own shadow. And this is genuinely tragic.

            I’m experiencing fear as I write this. But the difference between a true failure and me is, I don’t let the fear stop me from doing what needs to be done!

            I’m owning my own failure. I’m seeing clear-cut reasons why my multi-media company, Heart And Star Studios, failed. I’ve written an inventory of reasons. Good ideas. Lack of putting in enough hours. Worse still, lack of a stable Internet connection in a private space. Starbucks and the Public Library can be noisy and distracting. People interrupt you at Starbucks to ask can they use the empty chair across from you? The free wi-fi can die on you or be agonizingly slow! And you feel guilty when you’re too broke to even afford a wi-fi drink.

            A struggle for survival. Domestic violence at home, and threats of same. The struggle to pay the ever increasing rent, and still eat, and still afford BART and bus fare. Boy, is that a setup for failure right there! It’s hard to feel inspired as a writer when your stomach is growling and your roommate is literally threatening to kill you and/or your cat. You wonder, are YOU the crazy one here? You wonder, are you going to end up in the mental ward? Or is the roommate going to end up in jail?

            The struggle for bare bones, deep-down-to-the-roots survival, was also a nice distraction from the fact I need and want a sexually intimate relationship! My experience is, it’s hard to date when you are struggling to pay your own bills. And are NOT looking to be a con artist or a prostitute!

            This piece of writing doesn’t have a neat conclusion or any glib advice. It’s just a writer showing up and confessing her need for a success that she has yet to allow herself to create.

            I can do it. But I need help. I have a network of friends. Thank God. I don’t think anybody succeeds all alone. You need more than just “God” and your housecat cheering you on! You need real people, and a lot of library and Internet research! You need to hone your sales(wo)man skills. Literally! Query letters are the writer’s sales pitch.

            I’m going to add more to this.   I’ll need a steady wifi connection at ye olde local public library. It’s a miracle whenever I get one here!

 

PS an assurance to the reader…. I have removed myself and the cat from the domestic violence situations noted above! The perpetrators were only roommates—no close personal romantic connections, there! Very unfortunately, I had to surrender my cat at a SPCA shelter. I really really miss him. This was heart-wrenching! But it was this, or get killed in the last crazy monster roommate’s kitchen. It was time to get out. Ready or not. I am safe now. I miss my kitty in a deep, heart-wrenching, tears-down-my-face kinda of way. I’m so grateful for the house Chihuahua. A little bundle of tan-and-white love. And the big, orange kitty next door. He loves me. They know a Kitty Mama when they see one!

The Fair Geraldine

Tori Amos is publishing a new CD … “Unrepentant Geraldines”. I’m intrigued! What is a Geraldine? I think I’d like to bed Tori Amos! I associate her with Asherah, a Middle Eastern Goddess. Asherah is Arabic for 10.

History Witch

LadyFitzgerald Continuing on with my “beautiful women in history” theme this month- I introduce Lady Elizabeth FitzGerald, Countess of Lincoln (1527-1590.)

Elizabeth was brought up in the Court of King Henry VIII as a child companion to the infant Princess Elizabeth (Queen Elizabeth I, daughter of Henry and Anne.) She was five years old when she arrived with her mother and one of her sisters.

At the age of ten, she was immortalized by the poet Henry Howard, Earl of Surrey. He wrote a sonnet “The Geraldine” for her, as he was said to have been captivated by her childlike beauty (kind of creepy if you ask me.) He also wrote about “the Fair Geraldine” whilst he was in prison for beating a courtesan (a nice name for a prostitute… ahem, even creepier.)

Some suggest that this devotion was not creepy, but a means to improve her chances of making a…

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