Dealing With My Fear of Success, Part 1

            I am an expert at experiencing my own fear of success! Don’t laugh. I’m not the only one who suffers!

            Why would I hold myself back deliberately from success? Because it’s unfamiliar. Because I question my deservingness of a better, more prosperous life.

            When you’re broke, and relying upon food bank food just to get enough to eat, that’s the moment when you know you are afraid of your own shadow. And this is genuinely tragic.

            I’m experiencing fear as I write this. But the difference between a true failure and me is, I don’t let the fear stop me from doing what needs to be done!

            I’m owning my own failure. I’m seeing clear-cut reasons why my multi-media company, Heart And Star Studios, failed. I’ve written an inventory of reasons. Good ideas. Lack of putting in enough hours. Worse still, lack of a stable Internet connection in a private space. Starbucks and the Public Library can be noisy and distracting. People interrupt you at Starbucks to ask can they use the empty chair across from you? The free wi-fi can die on you or be agonizingly slow! And you feel guilty when you’re too broke to even afford a wi-fi drink.

            A struggle for survival. Domestic violence at home, and threats of same. The struggle to pay the ever increasing rent, and still eat, and still afford BART and bus fare. Boy, is that a setup for failure right there! It’s hard to feel inspired as a writer when your stomach is growling and your roommate is literally threatening to kill you and/or your cat. You wonder, are YOU the crazy one here? You wonder, are you going to end up in the mental ward? Or is the roommate going to end up in jail?

            The struggle for bare bones, deep-down-to-the-roots survival, was also a nice distraction from the fact I need and want a sexually intimate relationship! My experience is, it’s hard to date when you are struggling to pay your own bills. And are NOT looking to be a con artist or a prostitute!

            This piece of writing doesn’t have a neat conclusion or any glib advice. It’s just a writer showing up and confessing her need for a success that she has yet to allow herself to create.

            I can do it. But I need help. I have a network of friends. Thank God. I don’t think anybody succeeds all alone. You need more than just “God” and your housecat cheering you on! You need real people, and a lot of library and Internet research! You need to hone your sales(wo)man skills. Literally! Query letters are the writer’s sales pitch.

            I’m going to add more to this.   I’ll need a steady wifi connection at ye olde local public library. It’s a miracle whenever I get one here!

 

PS an assurance to the reader…. I have removed myself and the cat from the domestic violence situations noted above! The perpetrators were only roommates—no close personal romantic connections, there! Very unfortunately, I had to surrender my cat at a SPCA shelter. I really really miss him. This was heart-wrenching! But it was this, or get killed in the last crazy monster roommate’s kitchen. It was time to get out. Ready or not. I am safe now. I miss my kitty in a deep, heart-wrenching, tears-down-my-face kinda of way. I’m so grateful for the house Chihuahua. A little bundle of tan-and-white love. And the big, orange kitty next door. He loves me. They know a Kitty Mama when they see one!

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