Linda’s 10 writing orgasms!

1.  Writing, to me, is more important than sex, money,  or fame.  I do it daily or very often.  I love sex.  My mind is my porn studio and temple of Eros!  But writing is the universe,  my best friend,  my husband,  my whore.  So, carry a journal and a pen of your choice, and write what sings to you.  Or write whatever farts, wolf whistles,  or yelks at you!
2.  Remember that not everyone is your fan.  But you need sone friendly readers in a group of writers.  Ones who write, also.  You provide moral support.  Listening ears.  My writing friends are made of gold.  I’d rather hear Abel’s manuscript than try to seduce him.  He has a lovely girlfriend,  Soledad.  What a wonderful,  sweet,  sexy couple!
3.  Read the type of things you wish to write!  If you want to write short stories,  read things like The O. Henry Prize Annual Anthology or Pushcart Magazine.  (Did I get the name right? Time to do research! )
4.  Keep the pen moving across the page.  Write whatever comes,  no matter how stupid, sexy, angry, shitty, or lame.  That’s your first draft!
5.  Second draft, you edit for content.  As well as grammar, spelling,  and punctuation.   Is there a story?  Who are the main characters?   How do they interact?   What are their core needs and desires?  You need a few secondary characters.   The Chinese lady running around the aircraft in Abel’s manuscript is going to be important.   I can tell.   She appeared within the first 10 pages.  I can’t wait to hear what happens next.  Abel’s job is to finish his first draft!
6.  Reading and critiques.   Be kind.  But be honest.  Ask what is the backstory?   That’s the bigger dream dreaming the smaller dream.  That’s the forest behind EVERY TREE!
7.  Marketing and publication.   God.  Huge subject.   Try the current year Writer’s Market.  Now playing in reference sections of public libraries everywhere.  I call public libraries “Poor Man’s University”.
8.  Don’t be afraid to write about the erotic!  Describe your lover’s smell.   Describe body sensations.   Talk to your death.  Without committing suicide or indulging in your addictions.   Overeating isn’t an escape.   You need a clear mind and body to write well.
9.  Go for the jugular.   Write about how your heart got ripped out of your chest the day you said the last goodbye to your big black Maine Coon breed cat because the alternative was you getting murdered in the kitchen!   Know you shared 8 years with your furry baby.  Know your wannabe murdurer was a sick fuck who needs your prayers and to be avoided forever!  And give thanks your own life is no longer in danger.  You the woman who told the cops you value your cat’s life more than your own.   Yes.  The psychiatrist gets it! 
10.  I hate low battery warnings.  They are as welcome as a broken condom!


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