Hide Me Away From Intimacy

Love is pain. Romantic love is the most pain.
They are so beautiful together. She clings to his shoulder. They are black. I can hardly see this keyboard. My hands dance in a pattern that makes no sense.
She giggles. She kisses him. I feel so alone. I pray to God I never fall in love.
I am so happy for them. I want to die. I don’t want to experience the pain.
My hands do make sense. I will never ever let anyone touch my body ever again. My left hand cramps in pain. That’s the hand that writes.
He smiles. My left hand cramps worse. It’s as if my hand were crying.
I’m amazed my blurry vision can see his smile. My blindness is a way of shutting out the world. That is what eyes are for. My eyes are made to shut the world out. My hands are made to not touch the woman in front of me, who is now alone. Where did her boyfriend go?
Lady across the table, you are an alien. And I choose to be blind. Yes. By the force of my own chosen blindness, I shut out the world from me. For I live in excess fear. And I am not yet ready to have that fear be lifted from me.
I wish for pain. And more pain. My mouth is made for silence. I won’t be silent. I wish I could be silent. I wish I were beautiful.
I wish I could see myself as beautiful. I don;t have the courage to love romantically.
Yet.
Inanna and Tammuz. I wish I were dead. Look at those hands. Look at that tablet in his hands. An instrument of love.
I want to withdraw from the computer world. I want to make love only to my imagination. I don’t want to return to Earth again.
I want to drown in a sea of uworthiness. Thank you, black couple, for helping to trigger my pain. I’m not mad. I”m feeling my pain. The cookie is a buffer against greater pain than I can handle.

I don’t want a forever relationship. I don’t want a steady employer. I”m afraid. I don’t want a steady boyfriend. Oh, yes, I do. Michael says we are just friends. I’m so glad we can pretend we are “just friends”.

I”ll never see my father alive again. I have a feeling the next tine I see him, he’ll be in his grave. I’m glad I’m nearly blind. I shut out the data. I shut out the people. I do not want to let anybody in. But I’m desperately lonely. No. I”ll never, ever let anyone in.

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